Snap!

A punching bag jerked forward as the dart struck it. While Daniel reloaded, I rushed back at Josie and tried to throw my arms around her. She took a swing at me that glanced off my shoulder, but since it was my injured shoulder the pain was excruciating.

Snap!

I don’t even know how close the dart came, but the sound of it slamming against the wall of the cube was ten times louder from the inside. My ears started to ring.

Daniel was putting another spike in the cannon. Now, I could’ve kept myself alive for a while by just running from one side of the cube to the other, forcing Daniel to keep trading cannons, but I didn’t see that as the most astute tactical decision. I had to keep myself as close to Josie as possible.

She punched my shoulder again and my eyes filled with stinging tears. But then I delivered an amazing blow to the jaw that knocked her against the slide. As she struck it with a clang, it occurred to me that my day’s activities had included punching out a woman and stripping another one naked without permission. Chivalry was dead in the Mayhem household.

She got up and came at me, but I shoved another punching bag at her. She let out an ooommph and staggered against the slide again.

Snap!

I let out a yelp as the spike ripped across the top of my shoulder. The same freaking shoulder. Any doctor examining me was going to think I had some sick masochistic shoulder fetish. Daniel clapped his hands together and did some obnoxious cheer that I was thankful I couldn’t hear, then flexed his muscles.

Hadn’t Roger killed off Mortimer and Stan yet? I needed help!

As if in response to my mental question, Stan entered the room. Daniel said something to him, and he took a position at the next cannon. I began to reminisce about the good old days when all I had to worry about were a couple of lunatics with malfunctioning power tools.

Snap! A spike fired by Daniel struck the far wall.

Snap! A spike fired by Stan also struck the far wall.

I dove at Josie yet again, managing to get her in a bear hug. My shoulder hurt so badly that I couldn’t even start to enjoy the sensation of being snuggly. I spun around, getting her in front of me, and then fell back against the slide, Josie ending up on my lap.

She began to claw at my arms with her fingernails. I gritted my teeth and refused to let go. Then she smashed the back of her head against my face. The second time she did that, I let go.

I made a grab for her leg as she tried to run off. I caught her thigh, lost it immediately, and then got a hold of her ankle. I yanked her toward me, and then lost my balance and toppled backwards.

Snap!

A dart struck Josie in the leg, plunging deep into her thigh. She let out a glass-shattering shriek, though unfortunately not a plastic cube-shattering one. Daniel stormed over and punched Stan in the chin, knocking him completely off his feet, and let loose with a barrage of shouted observations that I suspected might include some profanity.

Screwing up my chivalry status even more, I sat on Josie’s back, wrenched the spike out of her leg and pressed the tip against the side of her neck that faced Daniel. If my body were to, say, engage in any sort of locomotion, such as the type that might occur when a fast-moving projectile struck it, the spike would be driven into her neck.

Daniel apparently got it. He reached into the cardboard box, took one spike in each hand, and went over to the door.

He said something that was probably very intimidating and dramatic, but of course I couldn’t hear him. He switched the spikes to his left hand just long enough to unlock and open the cube door, and then stepped inside.

“All right, Andrew, it’s just you and me,” he said.

I shook my head. “Um, no, actually I’ve got Josie right here.”

“Let her go.”

“I’d rather not do that. I think she’s swell.”

“Maybe we can work something out.” Daniel slid the spikes against each other as if sharpening them.

“Oh, gee, what made you change your mind? Seeing your wife’s blood? There’s a lot of it here, huh? Watch out you don’t slip.”

Daniel’s smile looked more like a grimace as he walked toward me. “I’m impressed. You can be just as cruel as we can. Are you sure you don’t want to join us?”

“That depends. Does your insurance plan cover spouse and children?”

“But of course. You stand to make a good hundred grand in life insurance after we massacre them.”

“Funny, funny, funny. Not the best negotiating tactic, though.”

“I’ve decided not to negotiate.”

“You asshole!” Josie sputtered.

“I really suggest you stop moving,” I told Daniel. “You’re gonna kill her.”

“That’s the chance I’ll take.” He was only a few steps away from us now.

I pressed the spike more tightly against Josie’s neck. She let out a whimper, and Daniel stopped.

“Why’d you hesitate?” I asked. “Not quite the uncaring husband you’d like to portray, huh?”

“You know, I didn’t mention this before, but those are some cute boxers,” said Daniel. “Where’d you get them?”

He couldn’t fool me. He was scared.

“Wal-Mart,” I replied. “They were kind of pricey, but the tag said they were burial-resistant, so I figured it was worth the cost.”

“I’ll have to pick some up.”

“I’ll sell you these if you want. Make me an offer.”

“I’m going to have to pass, but I do appreciate your generosity.”

“That’s okay. Keep it in mind.” I glanced at something behind Daniel. “Boy, Stan just doesn’t learn, does he?”

I couldn’t believe this actually worked, but Daniel spun around to see what I was referring to. Stan was standing outside the cube, nowhere near the cannon, massaging his chin.

I pulled the spike away from Josie’s neck and flung it at Daniel. It twirled, end over end, directly at his face.

And to my astonishment, it struck him in the forehead.

This would have been cause for celebration, except that the side hit him and not the point. Still, his head flew backward, and the noise he made seemed to indicate that it really hurt.

I leapt over Josie and ran as fast as my pain-wracked body could move. Daniel still had his gun and he was far from mortally wounded, so I didn’t try to tackle him. Instead I sprinted for the door.

I did, however, shove a punching bag at him, hitting him in the side. Those things were turning out to be darn useful.

Stan stepped into the doorway to block me. Before he could raise his gun, I slammed the door into him, knocking him out of my way. I got out of the cube and pulled the door shut just as Daniel fired a shot that would have went through my belly had the plastic not been there.

I took a swing at Stan and missed, but a blow with my other hand struck him in the chin, almost exactly where Daniel had hit. I could hear footsteps behind me…Daniel rushing for the door.

A brutal knee to the groin took away a good portion of Stan’s savagery. He still held the gun, but didn’t look like his aim was going to be all that it could be, so I hurried back to the cube door and fastened the lock an instant before Daniel reached it.

A bullet ricocheted off the door right next to me. I didn’t see anybody in the hallway outside, but unless Roger had gone loopy it had to be Mortimer. I ran toward the wall and around the corner of the cube, cursing myself for it before I’d finished my second step. I should’ve fought for Stan’s gun.

Mortimer entered the dart room. “You take the left, I’ll take the right,” he said. Stan nodded weakly and began to limp around the cube in the opposite direction that I was running.

I ran around to the far side of the cube. No other exits except the way I came in. Armed bad guys moving in on each side. Bummer, bummer, bummer.