I left hearing the same rasp-rasp samba that had greeted me upon waking. Felt no desire to dance.

Knowing I had to fill the day with something impersonal or go mad, I drove to the University Biomedical Library to seek out references for my monograph. I found plenty of stuff that looked promising on the computer screen, but little that turned out to be relevant. By the time noon rolled around I’d generated lots of heat, very little light, and knew it was time to buckle down and wrestle with my own data.

Instead I used a pay phone just outside the library to call in for messages. Nothing from San Labrador, six others, no emergencies. I returned all of them. Then I drove into Westwood Village, paid too much for parking, found a coffee shop masquerading as a restaurant, and read the paper while chewing my way through a rubbery hamburger.

By the time I got home I’d managed to push the day along to 3:00 P.M. I checked the pond. A bit more spawn, but the fish still looked subdued. I wondered if they were all right- I’d read somewhere that they could damage themselves in the throes of passion.

The uniforms changed, but the game never did.

I fed them, picked dead leaves out of the garden. Three-twenty. Light housekeeping took up another half hour.

Bereft of excuses, I went into the library, pulled out my manuscript, and began working. It went well. When I finally looked up, I’d been going for almost two hours.

I thought of Robin. You know how it is- the momentum.

The fit…

The impetus of loneliness, propelling us toward each other.

Fishhooks.

Back to work.

The drudgery defense.

I picked up my pen and tried. Kept at it until the words ran out and my chest got tight. It was seven by the time I got up from the desk, and when the phone rang I was grateful.

“Dr. Delaware, this is Joan at your service. I’ve got a call from a Melissa Dickinson. She says it’s an emergency.”

“Put her on, please.”

Click.

“Dr. Delaware!”

“What is it, Melissa?”

“It’s Mother!”

“What about her?”

“She’s gone! Oh God, please help me. I don’t knowhatodo!”

“Okay, Melissa. Slow down and tell me exactly what happened.”

“She’s gone! She’s gone! I can’t find her anywhere- not on the grounds or in any of the rooms. I was looking- we all were looking- and she’s not here! Please, Dr. Delaware-”

“How long’s she been gone, Melissa?”

“Since two-thirty! She left for the clinic for her three o’clock group, was supposed to be back by five-thirty, and it’s… seven-oh-four and they don’t know where she is either. Oh, God!”

“Who’s they?”

“The clinic. The Gabneys. That’s where she went- she had a group meeting… from three to… five. Usually she goes with Don… or someone else. Once I took her, but this time…” Panting. Gulping for air.

I said, “If you feel you’re losing your breath, find a paper bag and breathe into it slowly.”

“No… no, I’m okay. Got to tell you… everything.”

“I’m listening.”

“Yes, yes. Where was I? Oh, God…”

“Usually she goes with someone but this ti-”

“She was supposed to go with him- Don- but she decided to go herself! Insisted on it! I told her- I didn’t think that was- But she was stubborn- insisted she could handle it, but she couldn’t! I knew she couldn’t and I was right- she couldn’t! But I don’t want to be right, Dr. Delaware. I don’t care about being right or having my way or anything! Oh, God, I just want her back, want her to be okay!”

“She didn’t show up at the clinic at all?”

“No! And they didn’t call till four to let us know. They should have called right away, shouldn’t they?”

“How long a ride is it to the clinic?”

“Twenty minutes. At the most. She gave herself a half hour, which was more than enough. They should have known when she didn’t- If they’d called right away, we could have looked for her right away. She’s been gone for over four hours. Oh, God!”

“Is it possible,” I said, “that she changed her mind and went somewhere else instead of the clinic?”

“Where! Where would she go!”

“I don’t know, Melissa, but after talking to your mother, I can understand her wanting to… improvise. Break free of her routine. It’s not that uncommon in patients who conquer their fears- sometimes they get a little reckless.”

“No!” she said. “She wouldn’t do that, not without calling. She knows how much it would worry me. Even Don’s concerned, and nothing gets to him. He called the police and they went out looking for her but they haven’t found her or the Dawn-”

“She was driving her Rolls-Royce?”

“Yes-”

“Then she shouldn’t be too hard to spot, even in San Labrador.”

“Then why hasn’t anyone seen it? How could nobody have seen her, Dr. Delaware!”

I thought of the empty streets and had a ready answer for that.

“I’m sure someone did,” I said. “Maybe she ran into mechanical problems- it’s an old car. Even Rolls aren’t perfect.”

“No way. Noel keeps all the cars in top shape, and the Dawn was like new. And if she did run into problems, she’d call! She wouldn’t do this to me. She’s like an infant, Dr. Delaware- she can’t survive out there, doesn’t have any idea of what it’s like out there. Oh, God, what if she had an attack and drove off a cliff or something and is lying there, helpless… I can’t take this anymore. This is just too much, too much!”

Sobs poured out of the receiver, so loud I pulled my ear away involuntarily.

I heard a catch of breath. “Melissa-”

“I’m… freaking out… can’t… breathe…”

“Relax,” I commanded. “You can breathe. You can breathe just fine. Do it. Breathe regularly and slowly.”

Strangulated gasp from the other end.

“Breathe, Melissa. Do it. In… and out. In… and out. Feel your muscles loosen and expand with every breath you take. Feel yourself relax, just relax. Relax.”

“I…”

“Relax, Melissa. Don’t try to talk. Just breathe and relax. Deeper and deeper- in… and out. In… and out. Your whole body’s getting heavier, deeper and deeper relaxed. Think of pleasant things- your mother walking through the door. She’s okay. She’s going to be okay.”

“But-”

“Just listen to me, Melissa. Do what I say. Freaking out can’t help her. Getting upset can’t help her. Worrying can’t help her. You need to be at your best, so keep breathing and relaxing. Are you sitting down?”

“No, I uh-”

“Find a chair and sit down.”

Rustle and bump. “Okay… I’m sitting.”

“Good. Now find a comfortable position. Stretch your feet out and relax. Breathe slowly and deeply. Every breath you take will make you deeper and deeper relaxed.”

Silence.

“Melissa?”

“Okay… I’m okay.” Whoosh of breath.

“Good. Would you like me to come out there?”

A whispered yes.

“Then you’ll have to hold on long enough for me to get out there. It will take at least half an hour.”

“Okay.”

“You’re sure? I can stay on the phone until you’re settled.”

“No… Yes. I’m okay. Please come. Please.”

“Hang in there,” I said. “I’m out the door.”