Adam returned from his walk, or wherever he’d been, and got into bed.
“Did they stop it in there?” he asked.
“Yes,” she said.
“Thank God,” he said and turned the other way and fell asleep without saying good night.
When Dana woke up, Adam wasn’t in bed with her. She went down to the kitchen and saw that he’d brewed coffee, but, as usual, he’d left barely one cup for her. And he was the one who called her passive- aggressive? He knew full well that she liked to have two or three cups in the morning.
Dana was scooping coffee into the coffeemaker when she heard someone enter the kitchen. She turned, ready to confront Adam, and saw Xan standing there. He was in the same jeans he’d been wearing last night and a plain white wife- beater. His hair was messy from sleep, but on him it looked almost stylized. She noticed how good- looking he was- somehow he was even more attractive with morning scruff, like he could be an underwear model- and then she felt embarrassed because he was seeing her without her makeup.
“Sorry,” he said, smiling. “Hope I didn’t startle you.”
“No,” she said. “I just, um, thought it was my husband.”
He looked at her the way he had last night, in that flirty way, kind of the way
Tony looked at her sometimes, then said, “It’s a beautiful day today, isn’t it?” There was innuendo in his voice, especially in the way he’d said “beautiful,” as if he wasn’t only calling the day beautiful but calling her beautiful as well.
This seemed especially apparent because it wasn’t a particularly beautiful day.
It was cloudy, a little chilly.
“Yes it is,” she said. “So is, um, Marissa up yet?”
“Oh yeah, she is,” he said. “She asked me if I could bring her up some coffee.” “It’s good timing then, isn’t it?” Dana said. “Should I make some for you, too?”
“No thanks, I don’t drink coffee. I don’t need anything to get me going in the morning.”
He smiled at her in a slightly suggestive way. With any other guy- especially any other boyfriend of Marissa’s- Dana might’ve gotten offended, but somehow she didn’t feel that way about Xan. His flirtatiousness somehow seemed appropriate, within his character- and, yes, she couldn’t help feeling a little flattered by the attention. It felt good to feel sexy, even when it was early in the morning and she was wearing sweats and a baggy T-shirt.
While the coffee was brewing, Xan engaged her in small talk, asking her where she grew up and how she liked living in Forest Hills, and she liked the way he seemed interested in what she was saying, looking right at her and not seeming at all distracted like Adam always did when she was talking to him. She could see why Marissa liked him so much. Not only was he very attractive and intelligent and talented, he was sincere and seemed like a genuinely good person. He was the type of guy Dana could’ve easily fallen for twenty or thirty years ago.
Later, Xan was back upstairs with Marissa, and Dana was alone in the kitchen, having yogurt with bananas and raisins along with her coffee, when Adam entered the house through the back door, sweat dripping down his face. He’d obviously been out jogging.
“Good morning,” he said, partly out of breath.
“Morning,” she said, trying to decide if she should mention anything about the coffee. She knew he’d blow it up into another whole “discussion,” use it as another opportunity to “express himself,” and she wasn’t fully awake yet and didn’t feel like she had the energy for all that. Then it occurred to her that this therapy phase of Adam’s was really a way of shutting her up, getting her to not express herself at all. Maybe he thought he was bringing openness to their marriage, but the discussions were so tiresome that the end result was that she no longer wanted to discuss anything with him. In the end, his desire to “communicate” had become a very effective way of cutting off communication entirely. “Is Xan still here?” he asked.
“Yes,” she said, looking down at her yogurt.
He took a deep breath.
“Try not to think about it,” she said.
“It’s just so inappropriate,” he said.
Oh, God, not again.
“She’s had boyfriends spend the night before,” she said.
“Yeah, but she hardly knows this guy.”
Dana didn’t feel like getting into another pointless argument; it was too early in the morning for drama. So without another word she picked up her coffee and her bowl of yogurt and fruit and went in the dining room, thinking, You’re not the only one who can do the shutting up in this marriage.
After breakfast, Dana did some cleaning and laundry- she wanted to hire another maid, but she hadn’t gotten around to looking for one yet- and then the sun came out and it was turning into a very nice day, so she went out to the backyard and did some gardening. She’d already planted most of the bulbs for next spring, but she added more tulips and narcissuses and did some pruning of the rose and forsythia bushes. While she was working with the hedge clippers, her cell rang. When she saw Tony’s number on the display, she couldn’t help feeling turned on. This had happened whenever he’d tried to get in touch with her lately. Her first response was to become aroused- she’d actually get wet between her legs- but then logic interfered and she got upset, feeling like he was harassing her and wouldn’t leave her alone. She let her voice mail pick up and switched her phone to vibrate, but a few minutes later he called again. She ignored this call, too, but when he called a third time she worried that he was crossing a line, that he was becoming obsessive. She remembered how he’d sent flowers to the house, and she was afraid he’d do something like that again or, worse, show up at the door. She turned off her phone, hating herself for letting things reach this point. Just because she was unhappy in her marriage didn’t mean she had to go out and screw up her life. She could’ve talked to a therapist, tried to work things out. Her problems hadn’t been so unsolvable. She kept her phone off, but she was paranoid that Tony would try to call on the home phone or come by and ring the doorbell. Adam was around the house all day, reading and watching TV, and it was hard to be near him and act normal. A few times he asked her if everything was okay, and she said everything was fine, she was just feeling a little under the weather. Xan had left earlier in the day and then, at around five Marissa left with her knapsack/overnight bag.
Adam didn’t exactly seem thrilled about this, but he didn’t make a big stink about it either. Maybe he was starting to realize that Marissa was an adult, capable of making her own decisions, and he couldn’t stop her from doing whatever she wanted to do.
Dana and Adam had dinner- leftovers from last night- and it was actually nice to have some time alone together. Maybe she was finally starting to get over Tony, because for the first time in months or longer she had a good time with Adam. They talked about minutiae- movies, TV shows, neighborhood gossip- but it was a relief not to talk about the robbery for a change and not be at each other’s throats. She wondered if she’d been too critical of him lately, exaggerating his faults and ignoring the things she liked about him. He defi nitely seemed to be making an effort to change, taking much more of an interest in her than he had recently, and she wanted to change her behavior, too.
After all, she certainly hadn’t been an angel in this marriage.
She initiated sex with Adam. After their long drought, naturally it was awkward. The first time, he came too fast- he’d had an off- and- on problem with premature ejaculation for years- but she didn’t let her disappointment show, because she knew how sensitive he was about his occasional malfunctions. She thought that was it- maybe she’d use her sex toy or they’d go to bed- but he was able to get another erection, surprisingly, and they made love again. Two times in one night- this had to be the first time in at least ten years that they’d done that. He lasted much longer in round two, and she enjoyed it as much as she possibly could. She’d never thought he was incredibly sexy, but she used to think he had a nice chest, so, although his chest was flabbier than it used to be, she focused on it, imagining that it looked like it used to look. Of course, fantasizing only took her so far. It was just hard not to compare Adam to Tony- and despite Tony’s intellectual limitations, when it came to pure sexiness there was no comparison. Sex with Tony was always spontaneous and raw and intense, but sex with Adam was, well, sex with Adam. Like seeing a movie she’d seen dozens of times before, she always knew exactly what was coming next. But when she lowered her expectations, focused on the good rather than the bad- he was certainly gentler with her than Tony- the sex was actually okay. The next morning Adam left early to make his tee- off time at the country club in Great Neck. Later on in the morning, she took the SUV to Costco and stocked up on food for the week. She spent some time browsing in the books section, skimming self- help books with titles such as How to Survive an Affair and When Your Affair Ends. A couple of other guilty- looking people were reading similarly titled books and Dana wondered, Do publishers actually expect people to buy books with these titles? The consensus was that affairs always ended badly for everyone involved, and the reading helped to convince her that she’d made the right decision in ending hers with Tony, nipping things in the bud before the situation had a chance to escalate.