ARTICLE 145
A Bro is never offended if another Bro fails to return a phone call, text, or email in a timely fashion.
ARTICLE 146
A Bro refrains from using too much detail when relating sexual exploits to his Bros.
Providing graphic detail when describing a sexual feat unconsciously forces your Bros to picture you naked… and there's no coming back from that.
ARTICLE 147
If a Bro sees another Bro get into a fight, he immediately has his Bro's back.
EXCEPTION: If his Bro has picked a fight with a scary-looking guy.
EXCEPTION: If this is the third fight (or more) his Bro has gotten into that week.
EXCEPTION: If the Bro has a note from a physician excusing him from having anybody's back.
ARTICLE 148
A Bro doesn't listen to chick music… in front of other Bros. When alone, a Bro may listen to, say, a Sarah McLachlan album or two, but only to gain valuable insights into the female psyche, not because he finds her melodies tragically haunting yet curiously uplifting at the same time.
ARTICLE 149
A Bro pretends to understand and enjoy cigars.
ARTICLE 150
No sex with your Bro's ex.
It is never, ever permissible for a Bro to sleep with his Bros ex. Violating this code is worse than killing a Bro.
AMENDMENTS
A Bro is entitled to have sex with his Bro's ex if she initiates it, she is really hot, or his Bro is out of town or in a different room.
If a Bro writes and directs a trilogy of awesome space-themed sagas that define a generation's childhood, he is forbidden from later tarnishing that legacy by crapping out a prequel trilogy that forces Bros to specify "Episodes 4 to 6" or "the real trilogy" when referencing what was once. a perfect series of movies, regardless of how anyone feels about Ewoks.
Should a Bro become aware that his Bro has a really hot sister (a nine or higher), she is no longer protected under Article 19: A Bro shall not sleep with another Bro's sister. That said, a Bro should reevaluatc if the sister kind of resembles his Bro in a wig.
A Bro shall never turn away a Bro who shows up uninvited at his door with a box of porn.
If your Bro finds himself living with a chick, it is no longer acceptable for you to show up uninvited at his door with a box of porn.
Okay, if a Bro desperately needs to stash his porn somewhere, he is allowed to show up uninvited at his Bro's door with a box of porn, even if his Bro is living with a chick. Since the Bro's connection with his porn undoubtedly constitutes an older and more meaningful relationship, the box of porn is afforded right of way over the live-in girlfriend, despite the box of porn's inability to get super pissed and withhold sex for the night.
(Write in your own so that later — when called upon — you can cite the Bro Code.)
Bro may toss the Bro Code out the window if Scandinavian twins are involved in any capacity.
A Bro is allowed to play air guitar, provided that the air guitar is made of plastic and connected to a video game system.
Bro is allowed to publish The Bro Code if he stands to make a profit on it.
VIOLATIONS
Violations of the Bro Code may result in a fine of up to $250,000 or in some cases, permanent dis-Broment. Unresolved disputes over the Bro Code may be submitted via email to the International Court of Bros at [email protected], provided such disputes include pictures of the chicks involved. But only if they're hot — the chicks, not the disputes.
There is no greater affront to the spirit of the Bro Code than a willing violation. While occasionally a Bro may err due to inebriation, a momentary lapse of judgment, or if a chick is so hot that other Bros would say "he didn't really have a choice," any premeditated infraction of the Bro Code is inexcusable. When a Bro violates the Bro Code, he hurts not only his Bros but also himself, because he is no longer Bro worthy.
It's important to note that there are no tenets of the Bro Code" that cannot be discussed in confidence with another Bro, and I would urge a Bro to seek permission from another Bro before doing something, or someone, that he feels might violate this sacred code. Note: A great time to get that permission is when your Bro is super drunk… like almost passed out.
If and when a violation occurs, a Bro has the right to administer the offending Bro a level of punishment befitting the infraction. He may choose from the Approved Punishments list.
APPROVED PUNISHMENTS
• Revocation of wingman status
• Text blackout
• Designated all-time tip leaver
• Assigned to solar-refraction seat in living room
• Removal from inappropriate email forwards list
• Waterboarding
• Temporary blacklist from barbecues/football Sundays
• Loss of permanent shotgun status
• Bumped from top position on "not using season tickets" list
• Removal from holiday card mailing list
• Revocation of airport pickup/drop-off privileges
• Must help offended Bro move heavy furniture
• Temporary removal from usual golf foursome
• Must return stuff loaned from offended Bro… even stuff he
• thinks his Bro forgot about
• No longer allowed to borrow the truck
• Offended Bro no longer required to bring beer over
GLOSSARY
Backslide Window — A treacherous window of time following a breakup in which both parties are prone to bone.
Brocassion — An event featuring a bunch of Bros.
Brocedure — A series of events completed by a Bro, but different from the Brolympics.
Bro/Chick Ratio — The gender breakdown at a given venue.
Brocularity — Bro-inspired hijinks.
Broda — (1) A Bro one goes to for wisdom. (2) A really short Bro.
Brode of Silence — Playing dumb or mute when a chick asks about another Bro's history or whereabouts.
Brofession — A Bro job.
Broflation — (1) A sudden increase in female expectations about how dudes should act. (2) A sudden increase in dudes at an event or venue.
Broicide — (1) To kill a Bro. (2) To rack jack a Bro.
Brojo — A Bro's mojo.
Broliferation — Too much use of the word "Bro."
Bronacular — The language of Bros.
Brone — An act of selflessness bestowed upon or by a Bro.
Broner — Excitement over hanging out with Bros e.g., Ricky popped a broner when his friend rented out the local User tag arena for his birthday.