Part Three

His Eccentric Education

XXII

IN ONE LIMB OF A SPIRAL GALAXY, close to a star known as «Sol» to some, another star became nova. Its glory would be seen on Mars in three-replenished (729) years, or 1370 Terran years. The Old Ones noted it as useful, shortly, for instruction of the young, while never ceasing the exciting discussion of esthetic problems concerning the new epic woven around the death of the Fifth Planet.

The departure of the Champion they noted without comment. A watch was kept on the strange nestling sent back in it, but nothing more, since there would be waiting before it would be fruitful to grok the outcome. The humans left on Mars struggled with environment lethal to naked humans but less difficult than that in the Free State of Antarctica. One discorporated through an illness sometimes called «homesickness.» The Old Ones cherished the wounded spirit and sent it where it belonged for further healing; aside from that Martians left Terrans alone.

On Earth the exploding star was not noticed, human astronomers then being limited by speed of light. The Man from Mars was briefly in the news. The Federation Senate minority leader called for «a bold, new approach» to problems of population and malnutrition in southeast Asia, starting with increased grants-in-aid to families with more than five children. Mrs. Percy B. S. Souchek sued the Los Angeles City-County supervisors over the death of her pet poodle Piddle which had taken place during a five-day stationary inversion. Cynthia Duchess announced that she was going to have the Perfect Baby by a scientifically selected donor and an equally perfect host-mother as soon as experts completed calculating the instant for conception to insure that the wonder child would be equally a genius in music, art, and statesmanship — and that she would (with the aid of hormonal treatments) nurse her child herself. She gave an interview on the psychological benefits of natural feeding and permitted (insisted) that the press take pictures to prove that she was endowed for this.

Supreme Bishop Digby denounced her as the Harlot of Babylon and forbade any Fosterite to accept the commission, either as donor or host-mother. Alice Douglas was quoted: «While I do not know Miss Duchess, one cannot help but admire her. Her brave example should be an inspiration to mothers everywhere.»

Jubal Harshaw saw one of her pictures in a magazine. He posted it in the kitchen, then noted that it did not stay up long, which made him chuckle.

He did not have many chuckles that week; the world was too much with him. The press ceased bothering Mike when the story was over — but thousands of people did not forget Mike. Douglas tried to insure Mike's privacy; S.S. troopers patrolled Harshaw's fence and an S.S. car circled overhead and challenged any car that tried to land. Harshaw resented needing guards.

The telephone Jubal routed through an answering service to which was given a short list from whom Harshaw would accept calls — and kept the house instrument on «refuse & record» most of the time.

But mail always comes through.

Harshaw told Jill that Mike had to grow up; he could start by handling his mail. She could help him. «But don't bother me; I have enough screwball mail.»

Jubal could not make it stick; there was too much and Jill did not know how.

Just sorting was a headache. Jubal called the local postmaster (which got no results), then called Bradley, which caused a «suggestion» to trickle down; thereafter Mike's mail arrived sacked as first, second, third, and fourth class, with mail for everyone else in another sack. Second and third class was used to insulate a root cellar. Once the cellar was over-insulated, Jubal told Duke to use such mail to check erosion in gullies.

Fourth class mail was a problem. One package exploded in the village post office, blowing down several years of «Wanted» announcements and one «Use Next Window» sign — by luck the postmaster was out for coffee and his assistant, an elderly lady with weak kidneys, was in the washroom. Jubal considered having parcels processed by bomb specialists.

This turned out not to be necessary; Mike could spot a «wrongness» about a package without opening it. Thereafter fourth class mail was left at the gate; Mike pried through it from a distance, caused to disappear any harmful parcel; Larry trucked the remainder to the house.

Mike loved opening packages although the plunder might not interest him. Anything nobody wanted wound up in a gully; this included gifts of food, as Jubal was not certain that Mike's nose for «wrongness» extended to poisons — Mike had drunk a poisonous solution used for photography which Duke had left in the refrigerator; Mike said mildly that the «iced tea» had a flavor he was not sure he liked.

Jubal told Jill that it was all right to keep anything provided nothing was (a) paid for, (b) acknowledged, nor (c) returned no matter how marked. Some items were gifts; more was unordered merchandise. Either way, Jubal assumed that unsolicited chattels represented efforts to use the Man from Mars and merited no thanks.

An exception was livestock, which Jubal advised Jill to return — unless she guaranteed care and feeding, and keeping same from falling into the pool.

First class mail was the biggest headache. After looking over a bushel or so, Jubal set up categories:

A. Begging letters — erosion fill.

B. Threatening letters — file unanswered. Later letters from same source — turn over to S.S.

C. Business «opportunities» — forward to Douglas.

D. Crackpot letters — pass around any dillies; the rest to a gully.

E. Friendly letters — answer if accompanied by stamped self-addressed envelope, using form letters signed by Jill. (Jubal pointed out that letters signed by the Man from Mars were valuable, and an invitation to more useless mail.)

F. Scatological letters — pass to Jubal (who had a bet with himself that none would show the faintest literary novelty) for disposition, i.e., gully.

G. Proposals of marriage and propositions less formal — file.

H. Letters from scientific and educational institutions — handle as under «E». If answered, use form letter explaining that the Man from Mars was not available for anything; if Jill felt that a brush-off would not do, pass to Jubal.

I. Letters from persons who knew Mike, such as the crew of the Champion, the President of the United States, and others — let Mike answer as he pleased; exercise in penmanship would be good and exercise in human relations even better (if he wanted advice, let him ask).

This cut the answers to a few for Jill, seldom even one for Mike. Jill found that she could skim and classify in about one hour each day. The first four categories remained large; category «G» was very large following the stereocast from the Palace, then dwindled. Jubal cautioned Jill that, while Mike should answer letters only from acquaintances, mail addressed to him was his.

The third morning after the system was installed Jill brought a letter, category «G», to Jubal. The ladies and other females (plus misguided males) who supplied this category usually included pictures alleged to be of themselves; some left little to the imagination.

This letter enclosed a picture which left nothing to the imagination, then stimulated fresh imaginings. Jill said, «Look at this, Boss! I ask you!»

Jubal read the letter. «She knows what she wants. What does Mike think?»

«He hasn't seen it.»

Jubal glanced at the picture. «A type which, in my youth, we called “stacked”. Well, her sex is not in doubt, nor her agility. Why show it to me? I've seen better.»

«What should I do! The letter is bad enough … but that disgusting picture — should I tear it up?»