“Jesus.” He pulled her close and kissed her hair.

“For the longest time, I felt that I had failed her. But now I realize that she failed me. Even though this baby was infinitesimal, only weeks from conception, I felt fiercely protective of it, Griff. I wanted to guard it from being hurt, emotionally as well as physically. How could a parent, any parent, relinquish the parental instinct to nourish and protect her child?”

He drew a deep breath and let it out slowly. He didn’t have an answer. He’d been asking that about his mother for as far back as he could remember. “I should have been up-front with you about my background. But I was afraid that if I was, you’d think I was the bad seed and choose someone else as a surrogate.”

“I admit I didn’t think too highly of you at first.”

“Tell me,” he said, a smile behind his voice.

“My opinion of you changed when you brought the lubricant.”

“You’re kidding.”

“No.”

“I didn’t want to hurt you again.”

“Hmm, and got very upset when you discovered I hadn’t used it.”

“Yeah, but what really made me mad was that you thought I wouldn’t mind hurting you.”

“So you said. Your angry reaction changed my opinion of you. You cared much more than you wanted to show. I saw that you weren’t nearly as rotten as people think. As you think.”

“Don’t go pinning any medals on me, Laura. You were still another man’s wife, but I started looking forward to being with you. I wouldn’t admit it, even to myself. But I did. It was his idea, and every time you met me, it was because he insisted on it. But after that day you had the orgasm, I stopped kidding myself.”

“So did I,” she confessed softly. “I knew it would be dangerous to be alone with you again. That’s why I told Foster I wouldn’t go back. But I did. And, despite everything that’s happened, I can’t honestly say I’m sorry I did.”

He came close to saying something then, making some kind of profession, the likes of which he’d never thought he would make to another human being. But the timing was off. Way off.

Instead, he took her hand and laid it against his chest, pressing it close to his heart. She wouldn’t know, couldn’t know-for him, who never invited a touch-how significant that small gesture was. But he knew.

She said, “I always wondered…”

“What?”

Looking chagrined, she shook her head. “Never mind.”

“What?”

“What you used.”

“Used?”

“To…you know. While I was in the bedroom, waiting. I always wondered what you did, what you used to get aroused.”

“Oh,” he said around a soft laugh. “I used you.”

“Me?”

“The first time we met there, you had on a soft pink top under your ball-breaker’s suit.”

“I beg your pardon.”

“You were wearing the kind of business suit that said you wanted to be taken seriously. Seen as an equal in the workplace, not as a woman. But it didn’t work, because to me you still looked like somebody I wanted to have sex with. Especially that top. It was about the color of this robe.”

“I know the one.”

“So to get it up, I thought about your breasts under the top, all soft and warm. Thought about sliding my hands up under your top and touching them. And that did it.”

“Just that?”

“Well, there may have been some flashes of tongue against nipple,” he added, grinning unrepentantly. “And the times after that, I thought about you, lying in there, prim on the top, nothing on the bottom, waiting for me. Worked every time. Of course, that last day was different.”

“Yes.”

He touched her lips with the backs of his fingers. “The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do was let you leave and go back to him.”

“I think he knew something had happened that afternoon. Something shattering for me. When I got home that evening, he acted strangely. I was undone, and he knew it. He was almost taunting me.”

Easing him away from her, she turned onto her back and stared up at the ceiling. “I’ve come to realize that all this-you, the baby, all of it-was Foster’s way of punishing me for being at the wheel when he was injured.”

“How could he blame you? It was an accident.”

“That’s just it, Griff. He didn’t believe in accidents. You have to understand his OCD. Everything had to be done in sequence and in a particular way. No deviation whatsoever. He believed that any change in the order of things resulted in calamity.

“He wanted to drive home that night because he’d driven us there. But I said no because he’d had more to drink than I had. I interrupted the sequence, and what happened was a consequence of that. He never blamed me out loud. But I think now that he did inside. He must have harbored a deep resentment that became corrosive.”

Griff was glad she was talking this through. She needed to, more for herself than for him.

“I could have conceived a child by going the clinical route, using a donor. Foster used his OCD as an excuse not to. But that wasn’t the reason. I see that now. I loved him purely and exclusively, and he knew that. Our marriage was sacred and precious to me. I valued it above everything. So he devised a way to weaken it, if not destroy it altogether.”

“Like his legs.”

“Like his legs. Morally, he knew how I felt about his plan. I told him time and again I thought it was wrong, but he wouldn’t take no for an answer. He played upon my being an overachiever, never backing away from a challenge or task. I can see now how deftly he manipulated me. He appealed to what he knew would get me to agree.”

“Then he put you in bed with me, a pariah, a man you couldn’t admire and wouldn’t like.”

“No,” she said with a sad smile. “There you’re wrong. He chose you because you were handsome and strong, unquestionably masculine. You’d been abstinent for five years. I’d been for two. How could each of us not become attracted to the individual who was giving us what we’d been missing? He wanted us to be attracted. Especially me. So that, in my heart, I would be committing adultery, violating the marriage vows I’d held so dear.”

What she was saying made sense. Or it would have to the twisted mind of Foster Speakman. “Once the child was conceived and I was dead, you would feel the loss, along with the guilt.”

“I think that’s what he had in mind.”

“You believe me? Everything I told you about how he died? Without question?”

“It’s hard to think this way about my husband, but yes, Griff, I believe you. Your death was part of his plan. The perfect punishment. I would never be able to look at the child without thinking of you and remembering my sin. My infidelity would never have been acknowledged as such, but I would have spent the entirety of my life trying to make up for it.” After a long moment, she turned on her side again to face him. “We dragged you into a terrible mess. I apologize for that.”

“You didn’t drag me, I jumped in willingly, with far fewer scruples than you. I was after the easy money. Lots of it. Even Rodarte said that a hustler like me would-”

“Rodarte!” She sat bolt upright and gave him a shove. “You’ve got to go now.”

“I can’t leave you.”

“You have to, Griff. I’m fine. But I won’t be if you stay with me instead of finding Manuelo. You must go. You know I’m right.”

He did know that. Regretfully, he got off the bed, then bent down to stroke her hair. “You’re sure you’ll be okay with…everything.” He motioned toward her middle.

“I’ll be fine.”

“Stay in bed. Try to sleep.” He kissed her lips lightly. “I’ll be back as soon as I can.” Before he could talk himself out of going, he turned.

Coach and Ellie were standing in the open doorway. In his loudest sideline voice, Coach bellowed, “What the hell are you doing in my house?”