“Not in January?”
“No, it took them longer in those days. Garfield was inaugurated in March, and in June he met up with Charles Guiteau. ‘My name is Charles Guiteau, my name I’ll never deny.’ Remember that song?”
“No, Bern, but I don’t remember a whole lot of songs from 1881.”
“Some folksinger recorded it a few years ago. I thought you might have heard it.”
“I must have been too busy listening to Anita O’Day and Billie Holiday. They didn’t play songs about Charles Guiteau in Paula’s or the Duchess. They might have in Swing Rendezvous, but that was before my time. Who was Charles Guiteau and why sing a song about him?”
“He was a disappointed office-seeker. He shot Garfield because he couldn’t get a job, and a month later Garfield died.”
“I guess dying took longer then, too.”
“It didn’t take long for Guiteau. They hanged him, and Chester Alan Arthur was President of the United States of America. And Roscoe Conkling thought he had the keys to Fort Knox, but it didn’t work out that way. Arthur wound up pushing for the Civil Service System, which eliminated most of the federal patronage and left the bosses with fewer jobs to hand out.”
“I guess that’s one way to cut down on disappointed office-seekers,” she said, “but you can’t win, can you? This way you’re up to your neck in disgruntled postal employees. What happened to Arthur? Was he considered a hero?”
I shook my head. “Conkling was pissed off, and the party didn’t nominate him in ’84. They ran James G. Blaine instead, and Grover Cleveland beat him, and Chester Alan Arthur returned to the obscurity most people figure he richly deserved.”
“But at least he got a statue in the park.”
“So did Conkling,” I said. “The same park, but the other end of it. The two of them stare across Madison Square at each other. It seems to me they both look disappointed.”
“That’s a sad story,” she said. “It shows what happens when a person tries to do the right thing.” She waved a hand. “Maxine,” she called out, “Bernie just told me a sad story. You better bring the poor guy another double.”
She drank my drink, and I had another Perrier to keep her company. We raised our glasses to Chester Alan Arthur, and I wondered how long it had been since anyone had drunk the man’s health. Probably a long time, I decided. Possibly forever.
“That’s better,” Carolyn said, setting her glass down empty. “I’ll tell you, it’s no hardship limiting myself to a glass of that mouthwash as long as I’ve got you across the table from me. I’ll be seeing Erica later, and she probably won’t say anything, but if she does I can just tell the truth. ‘I just had the one Campari,’ I’ll say, ‘while I kept Bernie company.’”
“I suppose there are people who would call that a lie of omission,” I said.
“I suppose there are, Bern, and I say the hell with them.” She peered at me. “I know what you’re thinking. You’d like to order one more for the road, but I’m not going to let you do it. I’m going to show a little restraint, even if you don’t.”
“If it weren’t for you,” I said, “I’d probably be rolling in the gutter.”
“Instead of heading off to commit a felony.” She signaled for the check, then waved me off when I reached for my wallet. “Get out of here,” she said. “You didn’t have anything but H2O and CO2. The least I can do is pick up the tab.”
“If I get it,” I said, “I can call it a business expense. It’s a small price to pay for a clear head on a working night.”
“You figure tonight’s the night, Bern?”
“Well, the sooner the better.”
“Haste makes waste,” she said sagely, “and you’ve got to look before you leap.” She frowned. “On the other hand, you’ve got to strike while the iron is hot, and he who hesitates is lost.”
“That’s helpful,” I said.
“I hope so,” she said, “because it’s confusing the hell out of me. Maybe you shouldn’t have had that last drink. It went right to my head.”
“I’ll try to restrain myself next time.”
“Anyway,” she said, “this is on me. You’ve already got a lot invested in this business, haven’t you?”
“Six hundred and change.”
“All to get into the hotel.”
“In and out whenever I want,” I said, “just like a legitimate guest, which is what I am. It’s the one foolproof way to get past hotel security. Take a room, pay for it, and you’ve got the run of the place. Of course, you’re not entitled to break into the other guests’ rooms, but how are they going to stop you?”
“Your whole face glows when you talk about it, Bern. It’s something to see.”
“Well, it’s exciting,” I said. “A hotel is like a cafeteria for a thief, or a smorgasbord table. But instead of seeing everything all laid out for you, it’s all tucked away behind closed doors. And you never know what you’ll find.” I smiled at a memory. “One time,” I said, “I checked into the old Hotel Astor. It was early in my career and late in the life of the hotel, but we had that one brief moment together.”
“You make it sound like a romance.”
“I got my key,” I said, “and it took me an hour or two to do this, but I filed it and buffed it until I’d turned it into a master key for every lock in the hotel. I’m pretty quick picking a lock, but I’m even faster when I’ve got the key. I must have hit fifty rooms that night. I came up empty in a lot of them, but it still added up to a profitable night’s work.”
“You won’t hit fifty rooms at the Paddington, will you, Bern?”
“One should be plenty.”
“And you really think you’ll find what you’re looking for?”
“I don’t know.”
“If you do, the six hundred dollars is a good investment. If not, it’s a lot of money down the drain.”
“I’ll get fifty bucks back,” I said, “when I return the bear. And there’s a deposit for the phone, and I don’t expect to be making any calls, so I’ll get that back too.”
“You really think you’ll be able to get the bear deposit back, Bern?”
“Not if I have to leave in a hurry. But otherwise, sure, they’ll give me the money back. As long as I return old Paddy in good condition.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“It’s not?”
“Not exactly. What I meant was, will you be able to part with him? I used to have a Paddington Bear when I was a kid, and I never would have given him up for fifty dollars, or even five hundred. He was my little buddy.”
“Mine’s a perfectly good bear,” I said, “but I don’t foresee a whole lot of separation anxiety. We haven’t had enough time to bond, and if all goes well I’ll be out of there before we’re all that deeply attached to one another.”
“Maybe.”
“You sound dubious.”
“Well, it took me about ten seconds to fall in love with my own Paddington Bear, Bern. Of course I was younger then. I don’t commit that quickly these days.”
“You’re older.”
“Right.”
“Seasoned. More mature.”
“You bet.”
“How long did it take you to flip over Erica?”
“About ten seconds,” she said, “but that’s different. All I had to do was look at her. She’s beautiful, isn’t she, Bern?”
“She’s very good-looking.”
“You could go for her yourself, right?”
“I wouldn’t,” I said, “for all the usual reasons. But as a hypothetical question, well, sure. She’s an attractive woman.”
“Beauty’s only skin deep,” she said, “but unless you’re a radiologist, I figure that’s plenty. Bern, you’re staring at me. You’ve been sneaking stares all night and you’re doing it again.”
“Sorry.”
“Maybe you need another drink. But I’m not so sure that’s a good idea.”
“Neither am I. Carolyn, you look different. That’s why I’ve been staring.”
“I guess it’s the hair.”
“That’s what I thought, but there’s something else, isn’t there? What is it?”
“You’re seeing things, Bern.”
“It’s lipstick,” I said. “Carolyn, you’re wearing lipstick!”
“Not so loud! What’s the matter with you, Bern?”
“Sorry, but-”