CHAPTER 8

He wasn't crazy. No matter what anyone said, Francis Jagger knew he wasn't crazy.

He'd had to kill the girl. He'd even tried to warn her. When they first met her, he warned her about Jimmy, how she needed to stay away from Jimmy.

But she hadn't.

Instead, she started acting real friendly toward Jimmy.

He'd warned Jimmy about her, too. Told him she was just like his mother.

Jimmy had just smiled at him, the way he always did. "Come on, Jag-you don't even remember your mother."

But he did remember his mother. He remembered how, when he was a little boy-before he even went to school- she started hanging around with someone. Ted, that was his name. And right from the first time he met Ted, he'd known what was going to happen.

"Don't worry, Francie," his mother kept telling him. "He's not going to take me away from you."

"Don't call me that! That's a girl's name!"

"No it's not. And even if it was, so what?" She'd picked him up and swung him in the air. "Aren't you pretty enough to be my little girl?"

The boy next door had heard her say that, and started calling him Francie, too. And then Francine.

He'd hated that.

And he would have stopped that boy from doing it, too, except that before he could decide exactly what to do, he'd come home one day and his mother was gone.

His mother, and Ted, and all their stuff.

He waited for her to come back, and tried not to cry, and ate the food he found in the refrigerator, and sat up all night so he'd be awake when she came back for him.

He waited all the next day, and the next night, too, but his mother hadn't come home.

Finally, a stranger had come and taken him away from his house and sent him to live with someone else.

There had been a lot of people he'd lived with, moving from one house to another, never staying in any of them long enough to feel like he belonged. By now, all the people who had taken him in for a few weeks-but never more than a few months-had run together in his mind. Even if someone had asked, he wouldn't have been able to put their faces together with their names.

The only person he really remembered-even wanted to remember-was Jimmy.

He'd met Jimmy three years ago, and right away he knew they were going to be friends. Part of it was Jimmy's smile- the way it made him feel inside. He hadn't felt anything like it since his mother left. He and Jimmy started hanging around together right away, getting drunk and doing some drugs. Jimmy didn't have a room, so Jagger let him come and stay with him. He'd even given him the bed, and started sleeping on the sofa himself. Jimmy told him the bed was big enough for both of them, and that almost wrecked everything. For a second he felt like killing Jimmy, but then got himself under control. "I ain't no fag," he said, his voice trembling with barely contained fury.

Jimmy's smile had faded away. "Hey, man, I never said you was. All I said was the bed was big enough. No big deal, okay?"

And it had been okay-it had been okay right up until they met Cherie. "It's spelled the French way," she said right off, like he cared. "It means sweetheart." She smiled at Jimmy when she said that, and Jimmy smiled back at her.

That was when Jagger knew she was going to go away with Jimmy, just like his mother had gone away with Ted. But he hadn't let it happen. He'd known when they were planning it-known that whole day. The way they were looking at each other, and talking to each other when they thought he wasn't listening. But he'd known exactly what they were up to.

He'd even told Jimmy: "You're goin‘ away, aren't you? You're goin' away with her, just like my mom went away with Ted."

"What're you talkin‘ about, man?" Jimmy asked, but there was a look in his eyes that told Jagger he knew exactly what he was talking about. "Why'd I wanta go away with her? You're my bud, Jag. It's you and me!"

Jimmy had smiled at him, and Jagger had wanted to believe him-had wanted to believe him more than anything. But he hadn't, and that night, while they were smoking some dope that Cherie had picked up somewhere, he started seeing things really, really clearly.

He kept looking at Jimmy-looking at his eyes, and his slim body, and the way he smiled.

He started thinking how pretty he was.

Almost pretty enough to kiss.

He'd cut that thought out of his head. Where the fuck had it come from anyway? He wasn't a fag!

But the more he tried not to think about it, the more he kept thinking about it, even though he knew it was all wrong.

Jimmy was a guy, for Christ sake. He had a dick!

But if he didn't, and if he had boobs… boobs like Cherie's…

He sucked in another hit on the bong they were all sharing, and then things started getting kind of hazy. He couldn't remember what happened after that, except that he wanted to touch Jimmy. Wanted to touch him really bad.

But it was wrong-it was all wrong! He was a guy, just like all the rest of the guys.

But then he figured out how to make it right! All he had to do was fix things.

Fix Jimmy.

Cherie had fallen asleep, and now Jimmy was smiling at him again, smiling the way that made Jagger's stomach feel all queasy, and his balls start to ache, and his dick get hard.

"Come on," Jimmy whispered. "Come on, Jag-you're my bud. You know what you want. So come on and get it." He'd lain back on the floor then, and Jagger knew that Jimmy wanted him to do it.

Jimmy wanted him to fix it so they could be together.

The knife slid into Jimmy easily-just slipped through his shirt and between his ribs and into his heart. It didn't hurt Jimmy-Jagger never would have wanted to hurt him. Jimmy just looked sort of surprised for a second, and then he lay real still, stretched out on his back, his eyes fixed on him.

And he was still smiling at him, so Jagger knew it was okay.

He slid the knife into Cherie next. She didn't even wake up-she just lay there, but her boobs stopped moving like they had when she was breathing.

He undressed both of them, being really careful not to disturb Jimmy. Then he cut Cherie's boobs off, and carefully put them on Jimmy's chest.

Then came the worst part. He didn't want to touch Jimmy's dick-didn't even want to look at it. But he had to, in order to cut it off. It was a lot bigger than his own, and it seemed to take a long time to get it off. But finally he cut it free, and then everything was all right.

Jimmy didn't look like a guy anymore-he looked like a girl.

A pretty girl.

Exactly the kind of girl his mother would have wanted for him.

Taking off his own clothes, Jagger lay down next to Jimmy.

He stroked Jimmy's face with his finger, tracing his smile, brushing a lock of hair back from his forehead.

He kissed Jimmy, gently at first, then harder.

He pressed himself close to Jimmy, pressed their bodies together, rubbed himself against Jimmy's strong torso, until…

He couldn't remember anything after that-not until the police came.

He'd told them it wasn't his fault, that it was Jimmy and Cherie's fault. If Jimmy hadn't been planning to go away with Cherie-

But they'd locked him up anyway, locked him in jail.

Locked him up, and told him he'd never get out.

And that was where he'd stayed until they came for him the other night. He hadn't said a word when they took him out of his cell and put him in the van, but he listened, and he heard where they were taking him.

To a hospital.

He figured it must have something to do with Bobby Breen. Jagger had liked Bobby Breen almost as much as he'd liked Jimmy. And Bobby Breen had liked him, too. But something had happened to Bobby-something Jagger couldn't quite remember. They'd been together-real close together- in one of the little closets behind the kitchen where they both worked. Then something had started happening to Bobby. He'd started turning into a woman-a beautiful woman. Jagger had wanted to kiss the woman, to make love to her.