And then Artos with his tallfolk words tells me what he’s learned, how we tumble out of darkness into brief light, and because we know there’s so little time, we breathe our moment full of magic. We reach for something we have named beauty, touch each other in a need called love. We plan and hope, endure and dare for these flickering wonders, then go back into

The Earth Is a Woman

85

darkness not finished, still caring, still asking why or not even given the chance, like Dorelei’s child. And the mourning and the loss ball our souls into fists to strike, not at God, but at that pregnant silence where we think He hides.

“And that’s the joke,” says Artos in me. “Some ancient fool saw in a dream the true face of Man and, having no name for such a beauty, called it God.

“And this is what Merlin would teach me. To love, to care, to be small as well as great, gentle as well as strong. And a burden. To walk filled with the knowledge of that silence while still singing the name of God. To be a king, to wear a crown, is to know how apart and lonely we are and still exist and dare to love in the face of that void. To crown your brow with knowledge sharp as thorns, bright and hard as gold.”

“I don’t want to be king!”

“Neither do I,” says Artos sadly. “I don’t want to leave Morgana. But I’ve slept long enough. Let me out.”

“No. Morgana needs me.”

“She needs me, fool. A man, not a mother-reaching child. Let go!”

Artos heaves in me, straining at the bonds of will. I try to hold him down, but he’s much stronger now. Nothing will stop him, though even now he’s gentle.

“Don’t be afraid, fool. You’ll always be with me. I’ve grown to need you, too.”

And

I

was

free.

Come back.

Lonely, huddling there on the cliff, crying for Dorelei and stubborn Morgana, for all of them I loved and couldn’t bear to lose now. Crying for the end of summer in me as well as the world. When I raised my head, I wasn’t surprised to see him looming over me, nor even wondered how long he’d been there. Always, I guess.

“Merlin.”

He was still dressed in the worn cloak and cavalry leather, looking intently out to sea. The same face I remembered, but subtly changed. Less superior. No longer remote. “Hail, Tribune.”

“You brought me to this. Why?”

“Time to go, Arthur.”

86

Firelord

“Damn you, why?”

“You needed it. Part of you wanted to be bom.” Merlin kept his narrowed eyes on the water. “I only see what is. You

teamed.” My soul was sobbed out, not a tear left. “I’m not going

back.”

Merlin didn’t move.

“You hear me? For all the—the—”

“Loss, waste?”

“For all that, there’s too much to leave.”

Silence like that Belrix raged against.

“There’s a wife, a child coming, people who love me, a place where I fit in. I belong to something, can you understand

that?”

Merlin sighed. “I try, Arthur. 1 do the best 1 can.” “Morgana worked weeks on that magic and never knew the real power of it was my own hunger for someone like her. I was born when she put that silly dust on my eyes. Before that, .even with you to infect me with visions, did I once know who I was? I’ve smelled of nothing but sweat and horse and iron since I was fourteen. One friend, one Bedivere lonely as myself, and the rest nothing but roads, barracks and duty. Until she came, I never slept with a woman whose name I could remember. In a year on the Wall, I could count on one hand the decent meals or good nights’ sleep. Ready to collapse when I saw you on that hill. How much magic did it take to lure me away from that to a moment of warmth? You think I’ll leave it? The hell with the army, they think I’m dead anyway.”

Still looking out to sea, Merlin said, “Life is a long good-bye made out of smaller ones. Will a king stumble over the first of

many?”

Why did I fee! so frightened and desperate now? “Will you bugger off with your bloody king! I won’t go.”

“It will be, Arthur. No gift without a price.”

“You can’t make me.”

And then he turned to me. “You still don’t know whom I am. / never made you do anything. Because you’ve found one answer, you think life will let you write the questions too? They’re being written even as you stand here denying them.”

Far across the down, I saw Morgana coming for me. “There’s my answer, Merlin. The other part of me. What can you match against her?”

The Earth Is a Woman

87

He swung his long arm toward the sea. “That.”

I looked out over the water. My brain responded out of habit and training: Jesu-Mithras, they’ve done it. They’re coming. Bedivere— No, get away. You’re not part of me.

“All summer at Skirsa,” Merlin murmured at my side. “All the young men, all the trees felled to build ships. It was only a matter of time.”

I stbpjjed my ears against him. “I don’t care.”

“And you know where they’re going.”

“It’s no—part—of—me.”

“Look at them, Arthur.”

Over the lead ship, Cerdic’s serpent banner ruffled in the wind as I had seen it from the parapet at Neth Dun More. Behind, the long formation of keels moved inexorably south like a school of deadly swans.

Merlin had no pity now. “They’ve already come a long way from Skirsa. Wherever else, the Humber is too necessary to miss. Supplies, fresh water, loot. And Eburacum through the back door. Your cohort could stop them cold.”

“Get away. Merlin. For the love of God, leave me alone.”

“But they’ll never know in time, will they?”

I twisted away from the gently relentless voice. Drowning, I sought one thing to hold on to. “Morgana!”

Still far away, she flung up both arms in greeting and broke into a run. The morning had been cruel; she would need me now. -“Will they?”

“You bastard, do you see her? Do you see what you’re asking me to leave?” ‘ “Will they, Arthur?”

I felt like dying again. “No.”

Merlin looked away to the little figure coming fast across the down. Gently, he said, “Then do what you must. I’ll be waiting.”

I turned back to the sea and the moving ships, already weighing speed against time. Already gone from her. What was left to say came out in one quick breath to keep my voice steady. “Yes, you’ll wait. You’ll always wait, because now I know who you are.”

The tall figure strode away to the south. I whispered to his back, “I know your secret name, Merlin.”

88

Firelord

Morgana called, running to me. “Belrix.”

Her voice pierced me with cowardice. I couldn’t face it. Once started, I mustn’t stop or touch her, God knows 1 mustn’t meet her eyes. One look and there’d be no leaving. I’d lock her in my arms and stay forever. The fading ghost of Belrix cried, “Do it, fool! Let me live with her, she’s all there is.”

I forked the mare and lashed it into a dead run toward Morgana. She thought I was coming to carry her home, stopped and threw up both arms in her childlike greeting. Coward, I pulled up to a halt at a distance, not able to look straight at her.

“Belrix, take me home.”

“I can’t go with you, Morgana.”

“Nay, be tired. Take me up behind thee.” She stared for me again, still not knowing. I jerked the horse around and retreated even farther before I could face her again.

“Husband?” she called.

This is how it ended between us, speaking over this cruel distance because I was afraid. “Stay. Please. Don’t come to me.”

“Why, Belrix?”

“I have to go back.”

Back had no meaning for her, nothing beyond us,fhain. “Go? Where?”

“To what I was when you found me.”

Morgana took a step nearer. “But be nothing there, Belrix.”

“No.”

“Be here in me, in our child-wealth.” No, she smiled and knew I was fooling, even called me by my first name. “Druith, hast been a suffering day, should not joke with me. Did wash Dorelei and comfort her, the while thinking of thee. Come, take me up behind.”

And the ships moved further south while I sat there murdering her because she could never understand. She started for me again.

“For God’s sake, stay away.”

The harshness halted her like a blow. “Belrix?”

“I love you. I love our child. Take care of it.”

She began to know then with a dawning fear, and the slow words came thick and incomprehensible to her tongue. “Thee’s gone from me. Thee’s—him.”

“I’ll come back. Til find \htjhain wherever it is.”

“Thee’s gone from me!”

The Earth Is a Woman

89

“Damn you!” Why did I wait, why not turn and run? “Do you see those ships? I have to stop them. 1 have to go back.”

‘Wo.’”

Morgana sprinted forward, arms reaching for me. In a flicker, one more heartbeat, I’d break, let her touch me, never leave. I wheeled the mare and kicked it into a hard run, screaming loud to drown out Morgana’s cry. “God damn damn damn all!”

I never looked back, but I could still hear her.

Merlin waited several hills beyond. I reined up, shading my eyes toward the sea. Only part of my mind was still on deaths and burials. The rest moved on, measuring and planning.

“The wind’s against Cerdic,” I decided. “There’s still time.”

Merlin stood with hands on hips, “Well, Tribune, it’s a fine, clear day. You can see fate in all directions. Where first?”

“To Corstopitum to gather the cohort. When Cerdic lands, all he’ll see is horse and iron. Bastard.”

The old humor flickered in Merlin’s eye. “Cerdic or me, Tribune?”

“If the shoe fits, Merlin.”

“It fits.” He stood smiling up at me, more of a king than ever I’d make. Yes, I knew him, should have known him from the first, but his is the face men recognize last and least in this world.

“We’ll meet again, Arthur.”

“That we will.”

His eye sparkled with satisfaction. “Well now, what can a little magic not do for a foo!? Show him a child, he sees the face of God. Let him love a woman, and what do we have? Not only a humor but a heart, so well I worked.” Merlin glanced one last time across the hills to the north. “All men dream of a place called Midsummer, green days and silver nights; you had it. All men search for Morgana somewhere; you found her.” Merlin threw his arms wide and high like Morgana’s joyous greeting. “O Arglywydd, do you know me at last, King of Britain?”

“Better than all else.”