I had three glasses of wine with my stew and ended up feeling sleepy, so I went back to the camper and got into bed. It was only ten o’clock. I slept the whole night through and woke up at five-thirty feeling refreshed and ready to take on the day. It was a day for ticking an item off my list; I could just feel it. After I had a quick shower, this time thankfully within the confines of the van, I had tea and toast for breakfast. After that it was still only six-thirty, so I decided to stretch my legs. I walked twice around the campsite, stopping and admiring the lions in their cages for a time.

They were both sleeping soundly, their purring a deep, melodic rumble that soothed something inside me. I knew that technically these animals were predators, but still, I thought I could fall asleep every night to the peaceful sound of their purring. Their paws were huge and fluffy up close. It was at once frightening and totally adorable. Such beautiful creatures. You could tell they were well taken care of. Not like the lions you saw at the zoo or at one of those chain circuses that looked skinny and malnourished. Winnie and Antonio’s lions were clearly very much loved.

I continued my walk. I was just passing by Jack’s camper when I stopped mid-stride and hid behind a tree. The door opened, and somebody stepped out. I peeked around the tree to see it was Julie, one of the Ladies of the Sky. Her red hair was messy and her makeup smudged. My gut sank. It was clear that she’d spent the night. And it was even clearer when Jack came out behind her. He stood still as she turned back to him, reaching up and sliding an arm around his neck. She murmured something in his ear, gave him a light kiss on the lips, then sauntered away. My heart was thumping loudly now as it simultaneously sank to the bottom of my boots. It became very obvious to me that I was harbouring a crush on Jack, which was why seeing him with Julie was so disappointing. I bet if someone somewhere did a study on crushes, they’d find that a dishearteningly large proportion of them were unrequited.

I willed him to go back inside so that I could scurry away undiscovered, but he didn’t. Instead, he sat down on the deck chair outside his camper and began rolling a cigarette. Just my luck.

I was standing glued to the spot, eyes closed, breathing shallowly and waiting him out, when I heard him call, “I can hear you, you know.”

My eyes snapped open, but I remained frozen. Did he know it was me hiding here, or did he just think it was a person, any person? I didn’t want to show myself, but there was nothing else for it. He knew someone was here, and he was going to discover it was me sooner or later. Sighing, I came out from behind the tree, and his gaze seemed to sharpen when he saw me.

“Sorry,” I said. “I was taking a walk when…God, this is ridiculous. I don’t even know why I was hiding. I just didn’t want to….”

Jack stood and walked towards me, lighting up and taking a drag of his smoke. If I was any other person, I’d probably advise him to quit, tell him it wasn’t good for his health. But I wasn’t. I didn’t nag people about their personal choices. That was my mother. I didn’t want to share any characteristics with her. Still, I worried for Jack. Worried about his lungs. Worried about what the fuel he used in his act was doing to his insides.

“You just didn’t want to what, Lille?” he asked. His mouth was a straight line, but there was some kind of amusement dancing in his eyes.

My belly did somersaults when he spoke my name. “I didn’t want you to think I was spying.”

One eyebrow went up. “You didn’t want me to think you were spying…by spying on me?”

“I wasn’t! I was just waiting for you to go back inside, that’s all.”

He blew out smoke, looked at the ground. His shoulder-length hair was down, and a few strands fell forward, shielding his face. When he looked up at me, he was so beautiful I almost couldn’t breathe for a second. “You’re a strange girl.”

 “And you’re a strange boy,” I replied.

One side of his mouth went up, and my palms got a little clammy to have him almost smile at me again. I got the feeling that Jack McCabe didn’t almost smile very often.

“Boy,” he repeated, a statement, not a question.

There wasn’t much that was boy-like about him, but I liked how me calling him one seemed to rile him up some. I simply looked at him, not knowing how to reply.

“So, what brings you out here so early this morning? Taking another shower?” he asked, his gaze growing softer as he reached out and took a strand of my dark blonde hair in his fingers. “Damp,” he said, voice low.

“No, I woke up early, decided to explore the campsite. The lions are just beautiful.”

Jack nodded. “Pip and Skip.”

“Huh?”

He took another drag. “The lions. Those are their names.”

“Oh, right!” I laughed nervously. “Pip, like in Great Expectations. Do you think Winnie and Antonio named him after the character? It’s my favourite Dickens book.”

“I don’t know,” he said, withdrawing a little then. There was a moment of silence, during which I struggled with whether or not to go or stay. Yes, I wanted something to happen between Jack and me, however unlikely it was. The problem was that whenever I was around him, I got all antsy, like I was experiencing fight-or-flight syndrome and my brain wanted me to flee even though my body begged me to stay.

“Have you seen the elephants yet?” Jack asked, surprising me.

I shook my head, then jumped a little when he reached out and took my hand. His was big and warm, and I luxuriated in the feeling of his skin on mine, even in such a small way. I tried not to think of what he had just been doing with Julie. I wanted to live in a bubble of denial for a while. He led me to the far side of the campsite, where there was a large grassy field. This was my first experience of feeling not quite right about the way the circus used animals for entertainment. Yes, they were out in the open, the sun was shining, and there were huge pails of water for them to drink from and troughs of cabbage for them to eat.

But technically they weren’t free, were they? I couldn’t stop staring at the locks around their ankles. They reminded me far too much of the emotional chains my mother had been placing around me my whole life. Similar to the elephants, I was fed, provided with shelter, but I wasn’t free. Jack saw me frowning and gave me a questioning look.

“They’re prisoners,” I said, suddenly realising that although they had seemed peaceful and beautiful to me as they slept, the lions were prisoners, too.

“Not prisoners,” Jack replied. “More like property.”

“It doesn’t feel right.”

“No. Very little in this world is right, Lille. All we can hope for is to make it less not right. See these elephants? They might be chained up, but at least they aren’t in a cage all the time. At least Jan and Ricky only do the basic sort of stunts that don’t require so much cruelty in the training.”

I let out a long breath. One of the elephants was drinking water through its trunk. I wasn’t one of those overly righteous people who waxed lyrical about how all animals should live in the wild. I’d never been to an anti-fur protest, nor had I ever given much thought to the cruelty of animal testing. Yet being here, being forced to see their captivity with my own two eyes, made my heart pound. And I was certain it was far from the worst kind of captivity that was out there. I guess it’s easy to ignore things when they’re hidden from your view.

Jack was watching me intently, perhaps trying to figure out what I was thinking. And really, I didn’t want to be thinking about the lives of these elephants anymore. I didn’t want to feel sad wondering whether or not they were happy, so I changed the subject.

“Your girlfriend is so beautiful,” I said gently. “I’m completely in awe of her and her sisters. They must have been training to become acrobats ever since they were little.”