Because there’s a void threatening to open up and consume me if I stop to think.

Fi.

I fucked up. I shouldn’t have told her all that on Skype like some dumb asshole. I hurt her instead of convincing her it was the safest thing to do for now. I should’ve waited, told her in person when I could hold her, show her I was only thinking about her happiness.

Only that’s all bullshit. I smashed her happiness just as effectively as if I’d taken a fist to her face. I saw her smiling face crumple with pain. I did that. To her. To my girl.

And it guts me. I have to make it right. Only I’m afraid I’ve done permanent damage.

A groan leaves me as I lean against the shower stall after practice, the water pummeling my skull. I’ve always wanted a girlfriend. Someone who was mine and mine alone. But the truth is, I have no fucking clue what to do when it comes to relationships.

When I finally trudge out of the showers, the locker room is almost empty, just a few guys left getting dressed, and none of them paying attention to me. Devon, a safety, is bitching about losing his favorite Grinch socks and how it’s affecting his mojo. Ryder is explaining to Morgan how to make a proper bread pudding, which apparently involves a dozen eggs and a shitload of cream.

I step away when he starts waxing poetic about types of bread to use.

I don’t notice Finn until he gives me a slap on the shoulder. “What’s doin’, Big D? You played like shit today.”

“Master at stating the obvious, aren’t you?”

He just grins like a smarmy dick. “So it was obvious to you too? Good. For a second there, I wondered if you had your head totally up your ass.”

I rub a towel over my hair and toss it down. I’m tempted to tell him to fuck off, but he’s stating the truth, and something worse comes out instead. “Are all men clueless when it comes to handling women? Or am I just gifted at being a spectacular fuckup?”

Finn blinks as if I’ve told him I have VD. I think I might be wincing too; I do not need the entire locker room knowing my business.

“Well, hell,” he says finally. “I don’t know. Isn’t it our job to fuck up?”

From across the way, Ryder snorts. “First of all, you never ‘handle’ a woman. She handles you. Your job—” He points at the both of us. “—is to hold on tight, go along for the ride, and pray you don’t fuck it up.”

“What makes you an expert?” Finn asks. “Last time I checked, you haven’t been with the same girl for more than one night for like…ever.”

“Four sisters, asshole,” Ryder answers as he looks in the little mirror he has attached to his cubby. He runs his hand through his damp hair. “And raised by my mom. I know women.” He catches my eye in the mirror. “What did you do?”

Running my fingers through my beard, I debate telling him, but I’ve already said too much to back out now. “I told Fi we should keep things on the down-low until all of this bullshit blows over.”

Every guy in the locker room groans as one. Fuck, I should’ve known they’d be eavesdropping. Nosy bastards.

“Dude,” says Ryder. “Were you aiming for the most bonehead thing to say? Because you fucking nailed it.”

“Yeah,” says Jones, a defensive end who’s pulling on his sweats. “The only thing worse would be if you pulled out the ‘it’s not you’ line.”

“I told her it wasn’t—”

Another round of groans, even more pained, rumbles though the locker room.

“Bad play, man.”

“Way to go, knucklehead.”

“Send her flowers.”

“Hell, no. That’s fucking cliché. Stand outside her window and hold up one of those old time boom boxes.”

“As she calls the cops on your ass.”

I roll my eyes at them. “Next thing you’ll tell me is that you’re all single by choice.”

I don’t know if they get the movie reference, but someone chucks a sweaty sock at me. I think it’s Ryder but can’t be sure. I glare around the room, as the horrible sinking feeling within grows worse.

“Dex,” Finn drawls with a shake of his head. “You’re the guy we expect to have all the answers. What the fuck, man?”

With a grunt, I let my forehead slam against the edge of my locker. The pain feels good. “I don’t know.” He’s right, I’m the one they come to for advice, not some moron who gets it all wrong.

Life lesson that sucks? Giving advice is way easier than living your own life.

Life lesson that sucks worse? Realizing this after you’ve severely fucked up.

“I just want to protect her.” It comes out as feeble as it sounds. And I’m really not talking to the guys anyway. I was protecting Fi, but I was also protecting myself. Because I’m embarrassed. This whole situation makes me feel like I’m the butt of a joke, something I’ve tried to avoid my whole life. And I don’t want Fi to see that up close and personal. I don’t want her to see me as something less than.

But now I’ve gone and hurt her.

A nudge at my shoulder has me lifting my head. Finn’s expression is neutral. “Ry and I are going out for crawfish and oysters by the lakefront. Come on out with us. Have a beer and forget all this media shit for a while.”

Rubbing the back of my neck, I try to perk up, at least give the semblance of a guy who isn’t losing it. “Thanks. Maybe next time.”

Right now, I’ve got an airline ticket to buy and a shit-ton of groveling to plan.

It’s dark by the time I get home.

I haul my ass upstairs. My left knee throbs and my back feels like a hot iron rod has been shoved up my spine. That’s just the top of my list of various aches and pains. I’m twenty-four years old and am hobbling like a senior citizen on his way to a four o’clock dinner. Old before my time, I think as I open my front door, toss my keys on the side table, and step into an empty house.

For one dark second, loneliness swamps me and I can’t breathe. It takes my air and weighs down my chest. I stare at the floor as my hand fumbles to find my phone in my pocket.

I need to hear Fi’s voice. Now. God, I need to see and touch her so badly I grind my teeth with want. But her voice will have to do.

Then it hits me, a certain warmth, the scent of coffee, and the underlying fragrance of fresh flowers. I feel her. Here.

Fi is here.

My bag hits the floor with a thud, and I practically run into the main room. She’s pouring herself a cup of coffee, her hair gleaming pale gold under the kitchen light. She looks up at my arrival, a nervous smile drawing tight over her delicate features. “Hey.”

I stop on the other side of the massive marble-covered island, pressing my hands against the cold slab to ground me. “Tell me you’re really here.”

Her smile grows warmer, more real. “You think you’re hallucinating, Big Guy?”

“Could be. I dream about this a lot.” Every fucking day.

She sets the cup down with a clink of porcelain and rounds the island. I watch her approach, her hips swaying beneath one of those flirty little skirts she favors. My chest contracts when her slim hands slide up, drawing little shivers in her wake. Her thumbs run over the edge of my beard, then along my lower lip. It’s all I can do not to bite that thumb, suck it into my mouth.

“Feel real enough to you?” Her voice is husky.

I breathe in the scent of Fi, lean into her. “Not sure. I think I need more.” I need everything. All of her.

She knows this. With a gentle tug, she pulls me down to her. I go willingly. Her sweet, soft mouth finds mine, and everything within me sighs with relief.

I don’t know how long I kiss her, but it isn’t long enough. Too soon, she’s pulling back, but she keeps her arms around my neck, and I hold her close. It’s only then that I realize her body is tense, her gaze hesitant.

“I’ve decided,” she says. “You don’t get to choose our fate without consulting me.”

“Agreed.”

My instant answer seems to give her pause, her head cocking back as if she doesn’t understand. Her voice comes out unsteady but strong. “Good. You pissed me off, Ethan.”