But you know what? This journal is all about being honest. Best to write down all the details, and of course you can always go online and search Jerry Grey Wedding Speech if you want to see the moment it all happened, if you want to see your family watching in horror as what’s left of your dignity plummets.
Context. That’s what you need. There is some good news because the ceremony itself went off without a hitch, so let’s start there, huh? Your wife disappeared in the morning to be with Eva and the bridesmaids to go ooh and ahh as they had their hair done, to relax the nerves with a glass of champagne, to have their makeup expertly applied, and to just generally enjoy the morning. Hans came to look after you, and you sat out on the deck like always and you had a beer and since nobody else was around, he lit up a joint just like he used to. The morning was hot. It’s not even summer yet, but if today is anything to go by, then the city is going to blister and burn.
The wedding was scheduled for two o’clock. Around twelve you put on the new suit and it looked sharp, really sharp, and you can count the times in your life on one hand that you’ve worn one. You actually liked the feel of it, liked the way it made you look grown-up. All these years hanging out at home in a T-shirt and a pair of shorts always did make you feel like a kid. In a suit you looked like somebody to be taken seriously, and that’s something else you’ve always thought—nobody ever took you seriously. Why not? You were just a crime writer, and do you remember that time you were detained flying back into New Zealand because you wrote Makeup on your immigration form as your occupation? The woman at passport control didn’t find it funny and you were detained, but only for fifteen minutes during which you were given a stern telling off and a reminder that immigration was not a joke. But the fact of the matter is you are a makeup artist. Technically. Or were—because now you have a ghost makeup artist tapping those keys on your behalf.
Hans drove you to the church and you got there thirty minutes early and things were still being set up. Belinda was there with her assistant carrying flowers out of the back of the van and loading them into the church, and you chatted for a minute with her before she had to disappear to the winery half an hour away to unload some more.
Guests started to arrive. They hung out in the parking lot in the sun. It was too nice a day to spend in the cool church. Some of them smoked, some laughed, chitchat filling the air. Rick and Prick and the groomsmen showed up in a black limousine, and it was pretty obvious they’d had a few drinks to calm their nerves, then a few more just for the fun of it. Rick had the same look in his eye hundred-meter sprinters have just before the firing gun goes off. He came over and you introduced him to Hans, and Hans took his hand and applied a little too much pressure and said If you ever hurt her, if you ever cheat on her, Jerry here may not be around to protect his little girl, but I will be. You step out of line, buddy, and I will punish you, and the way he said it—well, he wasn’t bluffing and Rick knew it.
I would never hurt her, sir, Rick said.
Then we don’ t have a problem, do we?
No. There was no problem.
The problem was still to come.
More people were showing up, and Rick and his entourage went into the church and you stayed outside with Hans. There were family members you hadn’t seen in a while, mostly from Sandra’s side, her sister the gossip who has been married herself three times, a couple of cousins and an aunt and uncle you couldn’t remember from your side, a lot of Rick’s friends and family you’d never met, and a lot of Eva’s friends, some you’ve known since she was a kid. You shook a lot of hands, said How have you been a few dozen times, Nice to see you again a few dozen more, people who were strangers, people from your life you couldn’t remember, here was Jerry with his Alzheimer’s, Jerry to be pitied, Jerry who everybody was worried was going to mess up, and isn’t that just the setup to the world’s greatest punch line? Isn’t that what they wanted? People go to car races hoping to see a good crash, don’t they?
When the cars with the bridal party pulled up all murmurs coming from inside the church came to a stop. You could hear the pews groaning as everybody shifted to look back towards the door. Eva climbed out of a dark blue fifty-year-old Jaguar, and she looked so much like Sandra on your wedding day that your heart froze and for a moment you were scared, actually scared you were having what Mrs. Smith would sum up as an episode. But it wasn’t an episode—it was Eva looking stunning, looking beautiful, the smile on her face so large she looked as though she owned the world, and your heart melted. You were changing, but you had done your job. You had helped raise this amazing woman, and no matter what the future had in store, nobody could take that away from you.
You took her hand and hugged her, and told her she looked beautiful, and her smile widened and she hugged you back, and she was happy, she was filled with so much joy you actually felt like crying. You hugged Sandra and her smile was almost as big as Eva’s, and she also looked like she was going to cry, and in that moment, Jerry, you forgave her for everything. Sandra had given you the best years of your life, and she still had a future ahead of her. Her body was warm and comforting and she smelled amazing, her hair smelled great, she felt fantastic against you, and in that moment you embraced your future. You had reached the top of the grief pyramid, your name was Jerry Alzheimer, and you were going to let Sandra put you into full-time care if that was her desire.
Sandra went inside to sit in the front row. There was already music playing in the church, but now it changed to a different piece that was your cue to start moving. The flower girls, who were related to Rick in some way, wandered down the aisle first, everybody in the church going They’re so cute, they’re so cute, they’re so adorable, and they were adorable, of course they were, these little kids that didn’t have Alzheimer’s. The bridesmaids went next—two of them, friends of Eva’s since primary school—and then you led Eva, people in the crowd almost breaking their necks to get a better view, Eva beaming the whole way, little nods and extra smiles for certain people in the crowd, and you did what you had been told to do, nothing more, nothing less, step after step all the way to the front, and Jerry falls over and the crowd goes wild! No, that’s not what happened, but it’s what they expected. You got Eva to the front, gave her a hug, and then shook Rick’s hand. You said It’s over to you, now, son, before glancing at Hans. Rick glanced at Hans too and you were all on the same page.
You sat next to Sandra and held her hand and the ceremony began. You watched Eva get married. There were tears and there was laughter and there were no zombies as far as the eye could see. Rice was thrown at the end and people clapped as the happy couple walked back down the aisle, arms linked, lives linked. Outside the photographer started putting the bridal party to work, Stand here, Smile, Now you, Now you and you, Now just the family. If that was it, then it would have been a perfect day. But of course Captain A had something else in mind, didn’t he? Look at this hand while he fools you with the other. That’s the magic of it all.
The wedding party disappeared to other locations for more pictures, and everybody else had two hours to kill. The crowd slowly departed, breaking up into mostly groups of two or three and getting into the cars to drive to the winery. Father Jacob stood outside shaking hands and making chitchat, and you had this weird image of him sticking business cards under all the windshield wipers, with little Ten percent off your next confession coupons attached, or Absolve two sins for the price of one.