Tammy: You can’t really love her, Kayden. You said you’d be mine forever.

Me: That love died a long time ago. You made sure to stomp on my heart, but you didn’t kill my capacity to love.

Tammy: Do you still have my name tattooed on you?

I looked down at my finger, her name in faded gray ink across my ring finger. She talked me into it, wanted me to prove my love.

Me: No.

Tammy: Liar. I saw a picture of you on your Facebook page and I could still see it on your finger. You wouldn’t have my name on you if you didn’t still love me.

Me: You made me get it, Lisa. You hounded me for weeks. It’s faded and small, and I’m working on getting it removed. I don’t want a daily reminder of you.

Tammy: How can you be so cruel? We’re meant to be together. You can’t deny destiny.

How can I be so cruel? She’s such a whacko bitch. Can she be serious? I was the one arrested and lost everything to my name. I wanted to hurt her like she hurt me.

Me: You’re delusional. We are through and have been for over a year. Move on. Leave me alone. I love Sophia.

Tammy: You’ll see you’re wrong. You can’t possibly believe what you say. We had amazing passion and chemistry.

Me: Chemistry and passion? It was more lust and mind games. I’m done Lisa. Leave me alone… us alone.

Tammy: We’ll never be through Kayden.

Sophia would be furious if she knew I responded to Lisa. She worried that Lisa would take the conversations to my probation officer and have me arrested, but I knew Lisa better than that. If I went to jail, she wouldn’t get another fucking dime from me. Lisa only cared about money, always did and always fucking would. For now the harassment that I endured through instant messenger would stay my secret, for the sake of my relationship with Sophia.

My hope vanished. I’m fucking crushed. The background company completed their assessment and deemed me high risk for the company. I worked my ass off for that company, seven days a week for months. No one in my local office was willing to make a call to corporate to help. Fuck them. What in the hell am I going to do now? I owed Sophia money, lived in company housing, and had a fucked up criminal record. Would anyone hire me?

It’s a black mark in my life that I can’t escape… until my probation is complete. The judge did say that my record would be cleared. I needed to find something, anything, to pay the remaining restitution and permanently wipe her from my life.

I spent the next month applying every place imaginable; job application after fucking job application, what a pain in the ass. Every single one wanted to know about my criminal record and I answered honestly, but I knew I was doomed as soon as I hit send. I wish I could grab this shitty black cloud following me around and piss on it.

Another payment was due and I swallowed my pride, placing a call to my probation officer. He didn’t seem to believe me, but said that he would give me extra time. I needed to get proof of my termination and send it to him. I needed to submit a list of companies I had applied to, to show him I wasn’t just sitting on my ass avoiding paying that bitch back.

The holidays were closing in fast and all I wanted was a drink. Every day was a struggle for me, it called to me, every fucking day, it called to me. I needed to work; the idleness of my life had become mind numbing.

So much in my life was up in the air. Would I be able stay in Florida with Sophia? I couldn’t return to New Orleans without a job in place. I tried to live in the present and not worry about the future as Sophia had asked.

She told me, “Everything has a way of working out in the end.” I loved her for her optimism and blinders when it came to the harsh reality of the legal system.

The Holidays

Thanksgiving had arrived. I spent the day combing through ads and mapping out our plan of attack. Kayden never shopped on Black Friday; I wanted him to experience the frenzy first hand. We had limited funds, and I wanted to get as much as we could for our family Christmas gifts. After dinner I grabbed our list and Kayden and I made it to our first stop.

“I can’t believe how insane people are,” Kayden said, as people were fighting and throwing video games across the aisle.

“This is pretty tame compared to some of the sales. You’ll see,” I told him, moving with the crowd.

He looked lost. “They don’t have the game we’re looking for. What are we going to do now?” he asked me.

We made our way through the store, trying to find the exit.

“The next store has them, too, and they haven’t opened yet. Let’s head there and get in line,” I told him as we walked outside.

“I’ve never seen people act like this,” he said, shaking his head and laughing.

“Just wait, we’ll be lucky to get half of our list tonight.”

As we pulled into the second store, we saw a line that stretched around the entire building.

“What the fuck? Is that the line?” Kayden said in disbelief, noticing the line dotting the landscape.

“Yes, the store doesn’t open for another hour, so we better get in line quick before we’re too far back to get anything good,” I said to him as I searched for a parking spot.

“Do you think we’ll get anything at this store?” he asked me.

“Yeah, we’ll get some of it,” I told him.

We waited for the hour and passed the time talking to and holding each other. Over the last week the air in Florida had turned chilly. Kayden warmed my fingers between his hands and I buried my face in his neck. His smell and warmth were intoxicating.

“Oh, the line is moving,” Kayden said letting go of my hands.

“Finally... You go for the video games and gadgets and I’ll head for the other stuff,” I said to him. “We may do better if we divide and conquer.”

As I walked around the store, almost everything I wanted was snapped up before I could grab it. I threw the few items I was able to find in my cart and texted Kayden.

Me: Where are you?

Kayden: Still in the electronics area. I’m stuck with a woman that won’t stop talking. Save me!

He looked like a trapped animal, I watched from a distance as he tried to be polite. Kayden made his way through the crowd and found me in the main aisle waiting for him.

He was very patient during the night as I dragged him from store to store. The night had a somber feel at times. Kayden didn’t have the money to buy gifts, but I gave him as much as I could to help him buy what he needed. We were exhausted by the end of the night, mentally and physically. Tomorrow we were having Thanksgiving dinner with Suzy’s family; they did things a bit backwards at times. I worried about Kayden though; alcohol would be part of the meal. He said he had it under control and wouldn’t drink more than anyone else.

He held true to his word during our post-Thanksgiving dinner with Suzy’s family, only having two beers. We excused ourselves after a card game, going into our room to give the family some private time together. Neither of us had fully recovered from shopping, and the liquor made me sleepy. It was a perfect day, and I was thankful to have shared it with Kayden.

The holidays were going to be hard for him, I knew it would be. He’s had disappointments in his life and demons haunted him, personal ones that I couldn’t rescue him from. Something usually triggered his drinking—a memory or an event that sent him straight for the bottle. I wanted him to turn to me for help and understanding, not vodka.