“I think she’s one and the same, Ben.”

“Yeah, probably. How’d it go with what’s her name? You score?”

“Yeah.”

“Callahan’s back in the game,” he said, raising his hand to high-five me.

“I don’t want to be in the game.”

Ben lowered his hand, a puzzled expression on his face. “What, she wasn’t any good? I thought she had a hot body.”

“Yeah, and any guy last night could have had her if he wanted.”

“Well I don’t know what to tell you, man. I know you’re bummed that things with Anna didn’t work out, but I don’t know what you’re looking for.”

I do.

***

I started working on my GED in July. After spending all day framing houses, I went home, took a fast shower, and joined all the other dropouts at a community center downtown for two hours every night. By the end of August, I had earned my GED and enrolled at a community college for the fall semester, quitting my construction job when classes started. I didn’t have any idea what I wanted to study, and I couldn’t see wasting the next two years inside a classroom, but I didn’t know what else to do.

Ben moved back to Iowa City and I moved home, which made my parents happy, especially my mom. I was so used to working all day and then going to the GED class at night that I felt restless in the afternoon. Most of my friends went to college out of state or far enough from the city to make hanging out difficult during the week.

I came home one day in October. The falling temperature and changing leaves reminded me of Anna, and how much she liked fall. I wondered if she found a teaching job. I wondered if she found someone else.

“Hey, Mom,” I said, throwing my backpack on the counter.

“How was school?” she asked.

“Okay.” I hated being the oldest freshman in every class, and most of the time I was bored out of my mind. “There’s something I want to do,” I said, grabbing a Coke out of the fridge. “Will you help me?”

She smiled and said, “Sure, T.J.”

I had been too sick to take driver’s ed when I was sixteen so for the next month, as soon as I got home from class, my mom taught me how to drive. She had a Volvo SUV and we went out to the suburbs and found empty parking lots and quiet streets. We drove for hours together. She seemed really happy spending time with me, and I felt like an asshole for not being around more.

One day, when I was behind the wheel, I said, “Did you know Anna would break up with me?”

My mom hesitated for a second. “Yes.”

“How?” And why didn’t I?

She turned the radio down. “Because I had you when I was twenty-five years old, T.J., and I wanted you so badly. Then it took five more years before I got pregnant with Grace. I felt anxious, then worried, and then almost frantic when it didn’t happen right away. Then two years after Grace, Alexis came along, and I finally felt like my family was complete. Anna’s probably ready for a family of her own, T.J.”

“I would have given it to her.”

“She might have felt it would be unwise to accept.”

I kept my eyes on the car in front of me. “I told her I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. She told me I had things to finish. Things I still needed to experience.”

“She was right. It says a lot about her that she didn’t want to take that away from you.”

“It’s my decision, Mom.”

“But you’re not the only one affected by it.”

I came to a sudden realization, and I pulled over, clenching my teeth so hard they hurt.

“Is that why you were so cool about her?” My face burned. “Let’s all be nice to T.J.’s girlfriend while we wait for her to dump him?” I pounded the steering wheel with my fists.

My mom flinched and then rested her hand on my arm. “No. I like Anna. I like her even more now that I’ve gotten to know her. She’s a nice girl, T.J. But I tried to tell you she was at a different stage in her life and you didn’t want to listen.”

I stared out the window until I calmed down, then pulled away from the curb. “I still love her.”

“I know you do.”

***

I got my driver’s license and bought a black Chevy Tahoe SUV.

After class ended for the day, I went driving, first in the suburbs and then out in the country, listening to the classic rock station.

I passed a property with a For Sale sign stuck in the ground at the end of the driveway, and I drove up to a small, light blue house and parked. No one answered my knock so I walked around to the back yard. There was land as far as I could see. I grabbed a fact sheet from the plastic tube attached to the For Sale sign. It listed the phone number of a realtor. I folded it up, stuck it in my pocket, and drove away.

Chapter 65 – Anna

Bo and I walked the city streets for hours. His leash came unhooked one warm day in September, and I spent a frantic ten minutes trying to catch up with him as he galloped down the sidewalk, weaving through the crowd. I finally got close enough to grab his collar, and I snapped the leash back on, relieved. A little boy stood a few steps away, watching from an open doorway that faced the street. The sign above his head read Family Shelter.

“Is that your dog?” he asked. He wore a striped T-shirt and needed a haircut. Freckles dotted his nose and cheeks.

I stood up and led Bo over to him. “Yes. His name is Bo. Do you like dogs?”

“Yeah. ‘Specially yellow ones.”

“He’s a golden retriever. He’s five years old.”

“I’m five years old!” he said, his face lighting up.

“What’s your name?”

“Leo.”

“Well, Leo, you can pet Bo if you want to. You have to be gentle with animals, though, okay?”

“Okay.” He stroked Bo’s fur carefully, looking at me out of the corner of his eye to see if I noticed how gentle he was being. “I better go. Henry said not to leave the doorway. Thanks for letting me pet your dog.” He hugged Bo and before I could say goodbye, he darted back inside. Bo strained at his leash, wanting to follow him.

“Come on, Bo,” I said, pulling firmly. Leading him from the doorway, we walked back home.

I went back the next day, alone. Two women, one with a baby on her hip, lingered near the entrance.

“Hey, white girl, Bloomie’s is that way.” She pointed while her friend laughed.

I ignored her and walked through the doorway. Once inside, I scanned the room for Leo. It was Monday, and there weren’t any kids around. Under federal law, all children were guaranteed an education whether they had a permanent residence or not. Thankfully, the parents at the shelter appeared to be taking advantage of that right.

A man walked up to me, wiping his hands on a dishtowel. Mid-fifties, I guessed. He wore jeans, a faded, nondescript polo shirt, and tennis shoes.

“Can I help you?” he asked.

“My name is Anna Emerson.”

“Henry Elings,” he said, shaking my outstretched hand.

“There was a little boy yesterday. I met him when he was standing in the doorway. He liked my dog.” Henry smiled and waited patiently for me to get to the point. “I was wondering if you needed any volunteers.”

“We need a lot of things here. Volunteers are definitely one of them.” His eyes were kind and his tone was mild but he’d probably heard this kind of thing before. Housewives and junior leaguers from the suburbs, swooping in intermittently so they could brag to their book clubs about how they were making a difference.

“Our residents’ needs are very basic,” he continued. “Food and shelter. They don’t always smell the best. A bath can be a low priority compared to a hot meal and a bed.”